Sexuality
Hmm, yes, I've wanting to post this for some time, so now I will.
I think repressed sexuality is a horrible, horrible thing. Especially in the Christian community which seems to advocate it. Wait until marraige until you have sex, if your going to be in a relationship it should be designed with marraige in mind, you shouldn't kiss, you should be wary of too much intimacy, Don't live together before you are married. These are the common messages I hear all around me. And I've come to accept them as just standard roles that I abide by if I am going to be a Christian. Anything less is looked down upon.
But, being in college what do we hear from our peers. SEX!!!! baby! I here stories from guys about their sexual escapades and what do I think? Am I revulsed? Do I think, "oh these guys are so foolish and stupid, I should convert them to Christians"? NO! I think I am jealous often. I am jealous that these guys seem to have more freedom than I do. I am abjected to rules and restrictions, not freedom. And what do I do? I turn away from my God given desires, and put up this barrier over my sexuality. Hiding in shame, for I am not supposed to be turned on by girls. I guess I think, "oh these guys may be having fun now but they'll pay later in life". Well, that could be true. But not neccesarily. I know plenty of non-Christians who engage in pre-marital sex who are great people, and have great relationships. My brother is one of those.
So what is to say about all of this. How can this be? Why are non-Christians having sex and are happy? Why are their so many unhappy Christians who are not having sex, and are not in a relationship? Is the answer B/C they aren't having sex? Is sex the magic ingredient?
No, sex is not the answer. With sex can come a lot of problems. In Ephesians it says, "There shouldn't be even a hint of sexual immorality amoung you" and from 1 Cor "FLEE from sexual immorality". These are our standards. God issued them. Now here are some extremes in our culture. But that is what God has called us to do. We are his Holy people and we are set aside. We do not engage in the same acts as those HEATHEN...
But at what price to ourselves? Most Christians, not all, around me (and I've been in this category) are afraid of their sexuality. Not wanting girls to think we want them. Restricting our sexuality and our behavior around them for fear they will think we are indecent. Scared of our God given sexuality. Scared of it! And I've been one these guys. We can't be like those guys around us in college. The frat guys who go from girl to girl. So we are the nice guys. We try to be cheery and peachy and happy and oh so nice. For our niceness will surely win them over. This seems to be the option for the Christian. NICENESS. We cannot let them think we like them, we must wait and try to find out if she likes us. We put the ball in the girls court. We can become super-Christians. There are a lot of Christian girls looking for a good Christian guy. Why aren't they in a relationship. Their are tons of Christian guys. But alas, we are afraid. We want to be men, but we are asked to hide our sexuality. We are told not to do these things.
So what is the answer? If sex isn't the answer, and niceness isn't the answer, what is there for us? I can tell you repression is NOT the answer. Hiding our sexuality is never a good thing. It comes out one way or another. We are sexual creatures. It will come out in other sexual perversion (usually hidden from others). Wonder why Catholic priests are getting in trouble with molesting young boys and girls? Could it be that they've felt they had to repress their sexuality all of their lives and then it just comes out in violent outings such as that or rape or internet pornography the most common one.
I don't know the answer. I now know the answer is not repressing our sexuality, but accepting it. Of course their is a level of control that is involved, for if their wasn't we'd be all over the place and in jail. But repression is not advisable, and NOTTTTTTTT to be advocated in the Christian community. I want to hear about how to express ourselves as Christians in a healthy and pleasable way to God. I don't want to be told not to do this or that anymore. That's what Christ came to set us free from. The law of the old covenant, b/c the law stirred in us this rebellion to it. Exactly what saying, "NO SEX" does. Makes me want to rebel, and at the same time have this standard I want to / have to uphold.
So as the song says, "Let's talk about sex". Let's talk about it in a more open way. Explain to us how to be Christian MEN, not Christian NICE Guys. I refuse to live in that land of fear anymore.
To those still reading this (if any) this is an important topic so I want to hear your opinions on this. I don't know how to allow comments yet so email me or post a blog of your own about sexuality and your thoughts on it.
Sean Raybuck
I think repressed sexuality is a horrible, horrible thing. Especially in the Christian community which seems to advocate it. Wait until marraige until you have sex, if your going to be in a relationship it should be designed with marraige in mind, you shouldn't kiss, you should be wary of too much intimacy, Don't live together before you are married. These are the common messages I hear all around me. And I've come to accept them as just standard roles that I abide by if I am going to be a Christian. Anything less is looked down upon.
But, being in college what do we hear from our peers. SEX!!!! baby! I here stories from guys about their sexual escapades and what do I think? Am I revulsed? Do I think, "oh these guys are so foolish and stupid, I should convert them to Christians"? NO! I think I am jealous often. I am jealous that these guys seem to have more freedom than I do. I am abjected to rules and restrictions, not freedom. And what do I do? I turn away from my God given desires, and put up this barrier over my sexuality. Hiding in shame, for I am not supposed to be turned on by girls. I guess I think, "oh these guys may be having fun now but they'll pay later in life". Well, that could be true. But not neccesarily. I know plenty of non-Christians who engage in pre-marital sex who are great people, and have great relationships. My brother is one of those.
So what is to say about all of this. How can this be? Why are non-Christians having sex and are happy? Why are their so many unhappy Christians who are not having sex, and are not in a relationship? Is the answer B/C they aren't having sex? Is sex the magic ingredient?
No, sex is not the answer. With sex can come a lot of problems. In Ephesians it says, "There shouldn't be even a hint of sexual immorality amoung you" and from 1 Cor "FLEE from sexual immorality". These are our standards. God issued them. Now here are some extremes in our culture. But that is what God has called us to do. We are his Holy people and we are set aside. We do not engage in the same acts as those HEATHEN...
But at what price to ourselves? Most Christians, not all, around me (and I've been in this category) are afraid of their sexuality. Not wanting girls to think we want them. Restricting our sexuality and our behavior around them for fear they will think we are indecent. Scared of our God given sexuality. Scared of it! And I've been one these guys. We can't be like those guys around us in college. The frat guys who go from girl to girl. So we are the nice guys. We try to be cheery and peachy and happy and oh so nice. For our niceness will surely win them over. This seems to be the option for the Christian. NICENESS. We cannot let them think we like them, we must wait and try to find out if she likes us. We put the ball in the girls court. We can become super-Christians. There are a lot of Christian girls looking for a good Christian guy. Why aren't they in a relationship. Their are tons of Christian guys. But alas, we are afraid. We want to be men, but we are asked to hide our sexuality. We are told not to do these things.
So what is the answer? If sex isn't the answer, and niceness isn't the answer, what is there for us? I can tell you repression is NOT the answer. Hiding our sexuality is never a good thing. It comes out one way or another. We are sexual creatures. It will come out in other sexual perversion (usually hidden from others). Wonder why Catholic priests are getting in trouble with molesting young boys and girls? Could it be that they've felt they had to repress their sexuality all of their lives and then it just comes out in violent outings such as that or rape or internet pornography the most common one.
I don't know the answer. I now know the answer is not repressing our sexuality, but accepting it. Of course their is a level of control that is involved, for if their wasn't we'd be all over the place and in jail. But repression is not advisable, and NOTTTTTTTT to be advocated in the Christian community. I want to hear about how to express ourselves as Christians in a healthy and pleasable way to God. I don't want to be told not to do this or that anymore. That's what Christ came to set us free from. The law of the old covenant, b/c the law stirred in us this rebellion to it. Exactly what saying, "NO SEX" does. Makes me want to rebel, and at the same time have this standard I want to / have to uphold.
So as the song says, "Let's talk about sex". Let's talk about it in a more open way. Explain to us how to be Christian MEN, not Christian NICE Guys. I refuse to live in that land of fear anymore.
To those still reading this (if any) this is an important topic so I want to hear your opinions on this. I don't know how to allow comments yet so email me or post a blog of your own about sexuality and your thoughts on it.
Sean Raybuck
**Frustrated sigh**
Not about what you said...well, about the subject in general.
Posted by
Jordan_Ryan_Stewart |
12:36 AM
Sean I'm going to be perfectly honest this entire subject has become the number one frustration point in my life. It's infuriating and I don't know dammit I don't have a freakin damn clue I've been told so many things and thought so many things that I just don't even want to think about it anymore. I'm told one thing, I have the entire world cram another thing down my throat and I don't know who to believe. I know the Bible sets a standard for us to follow, a pretty clear one, I know I'm extremely jealous sometimes, I know that what you said about the people you mentioned being "happy" is not true necesarily, it's a guise, we're meant to think that. Most of the people I've known in those relashonships end up with absolute heartbreak and awful consequences. All I had to do was sit and listen to two of my co-workers talk about how much they're dreading their next HIV test to know that. Or to know how much one of them was freaked out when one of their partners got herpes, or when another parter turned out to have AIDS. Those are consequences, sin always has them. So I see that and it backs certian things up. Then there is the greatest consequence of the Sexual Revolution, the entire mess of the Abortion debate which I won't get into here.
Do I agree with everything you said? No. Some of it, yes. Am I extremely frustrated and do I feel lied to about a lot of things pertaining to sex, yes. Do I get mad at God for making me a sexual creature and then limiting sinless sexual activity to the confines of a marrage that according to society's rules I'm not "finanically ready" to take part it...you better believe it.
Then there's my drive, God I wish I could just shut it off sometimes. Why does he give it to me...or to anyone. We're too dumb and weak to have it...it only messes things up.
Sorry about all that but you really hit on something that has been on my mind alot lately. We can do so much thinking trying to justify ourselves, that's why I'm not buying anything anyone says about it. I've got a lot to figure out about alot of things and this is one of them.
Don't take anything said here personally. It's a rapid but very honest response about what I'm feeling about this whole thing right now. It makes me want to punch a hole in the wall.
- Jordan
Posted by
Jordan_Ryan_Stewart |
1:00 AM
This is the last thing I'm going to say about it tonight.
If you're trying to figure this out all by yourself then just stop because you're only going to end up deciving yourself in the end. I've spent long years of my life trying to figure stuff like this on my own and it all turns into a worthless pile of deceptive shit if I try to tackle it on my own. I need to stop doing this, you need to stop doing this and we all really need to seek advice when it comes to this, not just from peers but from the spiritual leaders in our lives. And especially not from people who are not believers...because their view will be so incomprehensivley seperated from ours. We can get good advice from non-Christian friends or family members on a number of issues but when it comes to spiritual issues anything said should be examined very cautiously...I know all advice should be but the last place we should look for spiritual advice (which includes sex, a very spiritual subject in my opinion) is from the world.
Posted by
Jordan_Ryan_Stewart |
1:34 AM
Just fyi - christian principles are not the only reason adults "preach" abstinence. There are plenty of good reasons for not having sex until after you have established a committed relationship. I say these things NOT as a hugely active christian.
1. It is true that advancing a relationship too far creates what is sometimes called a "false marriage". In other words it leads to the attitudes and expectations of a relationship that is every bit as committed as a marriage but without the maturity of a marital commitment.
2. Adults, parents especially, work to keep you from the pain associated with the break up of relationships - especially those relationships YOU believe are serious.
3. People get comfortable in relationships where they have experienced most of the intimacy and frequently stay in those relationships out of comfort rather than because they are meant to be together or really belong together.
4. Just because guys brag about their sexual exploits does not make them happy. Ok so they've had a few experiences where they've gotten off and what guy doesn't think its hot to see a girl naked? But those are only moments in their lives. There is no true closeness with these girls. They create no parallel to ultimate ongoing happiness in their lives.
5. To view sex as sex, rather than as part of a committed relationship, almost guarantees that you are going to hurt someone else. Nobody likes to do that.
I agree that repressed sexuality is just not healthy, but sexuality can mean a lot of things besides actual intercourse. You can feel free to let a woman know you are attracted to her and still not be obligated to push for sex.
As for living together.... NEVER EVER try that. Its just pointless
1. Its like marriage w/out the commitment. Then you get married and you think everything will change to your ideal of marriage and it doesnt - it stays the same.
2. Economically, when you live together, you keep everything separate. When you get married its really hard to justify making everything "one" and having the understanding that you are "one". So there is a certain segment of unity that is absent.
These are reasons never to live together before marriage.
Well I hope that made some sense. Good luck to you.
Posted by
Anonymous |
1:54 PM
Hey thanks for your reply Anonymous.. good points. I think there is some wisdom in what you said.
As far as living together before hand, you may be right, but my brother who is getting married in May to a beautiful and great girl have been living together for two years. My brother always tells me its stupid not live together before marraige because you will be living with this person the rest of your life (maybe..) and you may like the person a lot but living together is a different thing. Wouldn't you want to know that you two are compatible living together, being together all the time, before you are married?
Posted by
Sean Raybuck |
12:13 PM
As far as cohabitating, it would be really easy to break off the relationship b/c you don't like cleaning the kitchen all the time, where as in a marriage you have more commitment which would require you to work through your conflicts.
I've read Wild at Heart, which talks alot about the Christian "nice guy," and why it is not satisfying. I also got a book for Christmas called God's Gift to Women, by Eric Ludy, and supposedly it talks about the same subject, I'll let you know when I finish it.
Posted by
Dan Reiter |
10:55 PM
Cohabitating is a terrible idea in most cases...it works for some but tends to usually cause problems that appear AFTER a couple is married. Divorce rates are higher for couples who lived together before marrage. I've heard this stuff from so many places I need to find one and post it. It's also not a good idea at all to take one case and apply it to every case. For one thing if you have cohabitated then you've already done two things that are triditionally considered very special parts of a wedding night, and getting married in general (living together and having sex). That alone cheapens the marrage enviroment...just like getting a drivers license is a thrill for most kids, but less so for a rural kid who grew up on a farm driving his dad's truck to town.
- Jordan
Posted by
Jordan_Ryan_Stewart |
12:34 AM
"As far as living together before hand, you may be right, but my brother who is getting married in May to a beautiful and great girl have been living together for two years. My brother always tells me its stupid not live together before marraige because you will be living with this person the rest of your life (maybe..) and you may like the person a lot but living together is a different thing. Wouldn't you want to know that you two are compatible living together, being together all the time, before you are married?"
Your brother is not factoring God and his plan for your life into the equation. In your case, as a Christian, that's like trying to write an addition problem without a plus sign...it won't work. It's flawed logic from a God exists and is omnipotent perspective. If you are so unsure of your "compatibility" before you are married then you have no place buying an engagment ring...you might as well just take the engagment ring to a pawn shop and save the legal costs of a divorce as well. If it's "stupid" to not live together before marrage...then I'll also say that it's "stupid" to go though the engagement process, make the biggest promise you'll ever make, buy an expensive ring, and make expensive and time consuming wedding plans involving dozens of your closest friends and realitives, if you're so unsure of you and your partner's "compatibility". Do you see what I'm saying man? If not then I'm definitely going to ask you about it and make my point clearer if I have to. This is a crucial point that determines the way that you view not only marrage, but your view of the power and soverignty and characteristics of God as well.
Posted by
Jordan_Ryan_Stewart |
12:42 AM
Dan,
Aye.. and I'm definently interested in what you have to say about that book.
Posted by
Sean Raybuck |
2:25 AM